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I used to participate on a polyamoury mailing list. The people
on the list discuss issues that affect their lives,debate, complain, share their stories
and offer advice. One of the topics that came up at one point was veto power, and the right
of prior partners to stop a relationship with a new love interest. I said I didn't allow
my partner(s) to exercise veto power.
This was not popular with a small number of people on the list. I was accused of being self-centred, of putting sex above the my partners' feelings, and of having an immature, "My way or the highway." attitude. I thought that was funny, actually. So I wrote this in the process of figuring out exactly how to explain what it was that I meant. My definition of "veto" boils down to allowing somebody else to control my decisions about the most important aspect of my life. And control is a great, big, capital-letter-with-flashing-red-lights Issue for me. So I don't do it. That is not to say that my partners don't get to voice their opinion. In fact, I have less conflict with people who aren't afraid to voice their opinions, loudly if necessary. For I am thick of skull, and impatient of temperment and hate having to cajole people into telling me what they think. I'm much happier when I can go about my life knowing that if there is a problem, I'll hear about it. It also doesn't mean that I won't listen to their concerns and take them into consideration. Or that I won't work my ass off to find some kind of compromise. Or even that I wouldn't even do whatever it is that they are asking me to do. But the final decision has to be mine. As I see it, that really is not all that different than the position of those people who do give their partners the right to veto power. Ultimately, even if they never use it, they always have the power to revoke that right. I also have little or no respect for somebody who would use their veto power on a partner who has already developed a relationship and all the associated emotional bonds with somebody else. After the first couple of "dates", sure, but vetoing an existing relationship is just a shitty thing to do to somebody. Especially somebody you care about. I've seen at least once other relationship where the individuals handle this conflict by agreeing that neither partner is able to veto people, but that they are allowed to veto certain activities with those people. That strikes me as a healthier balance, it smacks a lot less of having your partner choose who your friends are allowed to be. I don't think I ever really did manage to make myself understood. But if I am remembering correctly, I think those were also the people I had the cheese argument with.
Last Updated July 18 2004.
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